Originally Printed Sep/Oct 2007
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Q. Do men actually notice the shoes a girl is wearing?


No. We don’t care and we never will. There, I said it. You going to cry about it? Didn’t you see Shawshank Redemption? We don’t look at shoes.

That said, shoes can still be important for women. Here’s how it works. Women notice women’s shoes, so women wear shoes for women. Why? They’re trying to impress each other. But what’s the point of impressing a woman while trying to get a guy? Simple – confidence.

If you’re the alpha female, you get the alpha male. So the more other women envy you (and thus talk trash about you), the more likely you’ll have your choice of guy. That’s why women dress up so much – it’s not just shoes. Any small thing – belts, purses, bracelets, personalities – these are really just things guys don’t care about.

Okay, so some guys like personalities too, but you get my point. No guy has ever, in the history of dating, said “hey, that purse is great – wanna go out?” Perhaps, “hey, that purse is great – wanna set me up with your brother?”

The only thing a guy truly cares about your shoes is that you eventually take them off at his place. Or that they’re the last thing you have on.


Well, to be perfectly honest, in spite of the fact that men have better things to look at than your shoes (tits, ass, face, tits, tits, and tits), believe it or not, most actually do notice shoes. They notice that you’re actually wearing some, and that’s about it.

A woman, on the other hand, will notice what style shoe another woman is wearing, know where she probably bought them from, how much they cost, and whether or not they actually match her handbag. Men will acknowledge the shoes once if they actually notice at all, and will ignore them for the rest of the night, that is, assuming you don’t have neandertoes or hideously large flippers. Then, you’re screwed because that’s probably all he’ll keep thinking about through the evening. (“What, is this broad part ape or something? Her toes look like damn fingers! If she were a dude her junk would be huge!”) 

If you have cute feet, or something distinctive about your peds (like the darling cherry tattoo on one of mine), you might get a compliment about it. The only thing that really makes any sort of impression on a dude is what kind of mood you are in. Let me explain. Shoes, believe it or not, can actually pose as a reflection of a woman’s demeanor. For example, I tend to live in my black, high-top Chuck Taylor All Star’s pretty much 24-7.  It says “Hey. How’s it going? I like to kick it old school, and I’m a total guy’s girl. I like simple things like a good cocktail, alternative music, and being a slacker. I, clearly, have a sense of humor, but am way too lazy to actually take the time to match my shoes up with everything I own. I’m awesome.”

Whereas, when I throw on what I like to call my $199 designer heels for a fourth date or something fancy, it tends to say, “Well, hello there, come here often? I’m very expensive, and chances are you probably can’t afford me … but you know what? I just might do you anyway. And while I’m doing you, I WILL wear these heels. Now drop your pants and buy me a drink. Not necessarily in that order.”

So, with that in mind, ladies, choose your footwear wisely.

Q. What are some of your favorite pick-up lines, and do they actually work?


The only pickup line I know that is guaranteed to work is in the off chance that you sneeze and the off chance that a pretty girl happens to say “God bless you” and you say “he just did.” After that, she’ll be replaced by Meg Ryan and you’ll be replaced by Tom Hanks, because that cheesy garbage is just for the movies.

If you’re a girl trying to pick up a guy, the best line is “hello.” I find that usually works. But if you’re a guy trying to pick up a girl, you need a lot more ammo than that.

I disagree with She entirely on this one. She is thinking about what a guy she already wants to sleep with can say. However, most guys are in the situation where we need to actually convince the girl that she wants to sleep with us. Don’t compliment her – then she knows right away that you’re kissing up. And isn’t that attractive.

Almost anything you say to start a conversation is okay – whether it’s hello, “hi, my name is…” or “did you ever see Star Wars?” Okay, that last one is NOT a good idea. But the point is to just start talking. My favorite is to ask for help – whether it’s for directions somewhere you’re going later or general advice on something. But it creates a conversation as equals, which might convince her that she’s not a princess after all (despite what her daddy says).

Once you’re talking, ask her questions about her. Positive questions – none of this what’s your major crap. Because if she genuinely likes talking about school, she’s not the type to go home with you anyway. Ask about things she enjoys – like what does she do for fun, what’s the most exciting thing she’s ever done, if she’s into Star Wars. I’m kidding again. I just want to see if there’s any idiots who’ll skim this column and try to use the force to get laid.

Anyway, you’ll get her talking about her – and about things she’s excited about. Which will make her think you’re exciting, too. Sneaky, huh?

And once you do all that, try to be attractive, too. I find that helps.


I can sum up the best pick up line ever in only four words: “You. Me. Bed. Now.” The less you say, the more energy your tongue has.  It works on me every time.

How do you think most of the guys I’ve dated have managed to get into my pants? Oh wait. They didn’t use crappy pickup lines. They just bought me a fucking cocktail. Now that definitely works every time.

The bottom line here is that pick up lines are completely useless. Unless you and your buddies dress head to toe in polyester, swing “so successfully in tight slacks,” speak with an accent (actual origin unknown), and call yourselves “two wild and ca-raaaazy guys,” pickup lines are completely taboo now.

The best thing you can do to pick up someone is be yourself. Start up a conversation, and see where it leads to. Drop a compliment or something. Start talking, and start buying drinks, because one drink might lead to two … next, a round of tequila shooters … then she’s on her way back to your place … and before you know it, your polyester slacks are in a rumpled ball on the floor.

Trust me.  I know what I’m talking about.

You’re welcome.

Q. What is the proper amount to tip a bartender?  20% makes it seem like I’m a total cheap-ass if it comes down to change, but seems like so much for a premium dry martini that takes the bartender only about 40 seconds to make.

Anyone who calculates bar tip based on percentage is a cheap-ass. So yeah, good call.

In this explanation, the waitress is female, the bartender is male. Mainly because I hate writing “he or she.” Oh, and because they usually are.

When you get a sixty cent cup of coffee at a diner, you don’t tip 12 cents. You tip the change on the dollar because you should tip something. Yes, that’s a high percentage tip – but it took just as much effort for your waitress to bring you that coffee as it would have been for a bowl of soup, a sandwich, etc. You’re tipping on the cost of the work, not the cost of the meal.

Similarly, your tip at a bar reflects the work, not the price of a drink. The bartender did no less to pour you the drink special than he would have to mix you a rum and coke. So tip by drink, not by price. The general rule is that if the drink is an even dollar amount, you tip a dollar. If the drink is $4.25, you round up and leave a five. With me? Good. Now here’s where it gets complicated.

At a bar, there’s a second reason for tipping – so that you get better service than other people. It’s hard to get the attention of a bartender if you don’t have boobs. But not if you have brains. If you and your friends are going to be drinking a lot over the course of the night, drop a $20 tip early. Instead of a dollar at a time, you drop it all at once and say “my friends and I might get too drunk to tip you later, so I wanted to make sure you were taken care of ahead of time.” They will love you, and you will not have to wait for your drinks. Even if you don’t have boobs.


First of all, who the hell really sits down and does the math on how much 20% of a $7 martini is?  Do you carry a laminated tipping chart in your wallet for such a situation?  Are you 80 years old and a member of the AARP or something?  Good Christ.  If you really want to know, here are a few tipping guidelines I picked up somewhere …

•TIP TIP 1: Remember that your bartender uses his tips for just about everyting … whether that’s for gas to get to their other job during the day, or to actually chip in towards their rent and tuition.  People live off of this stuff, so its not like you’re tossing pocket change to a panhandler or anything.  They’re providing YOU a service here.  They’re getting you drunk and putting up with your ass throughout the night, so you better be nice.

•TIP TIP 2: If you run a tab, etiquette suggests that you tip roughly fifteen to twenty percent, depending on the service.  If you bought a round of drinks, and your tab came out to $25.00, it doesn’t hurt to throw on an extra five bucks for your bartender because she was not only nice, but she was hot too.

•TIP TIP 3: Don’t be a dick and ask a bartender for “Change for a ten” unless you plan on tipping them five bucks.  It’s just tacky.  Try, at all times when out on the town, to have singles on you to tip for each drink, otherwise have a few rounds and slide the bartender a fiver at the end of the night.

•TIP TIP 4: Tipping isn’t a law, it’s a matter of etiquette.  If someone is cool to you, return the favor.  If you’re a dick and don’t tip, then don’t expect your bartender to come back to your end of the bar with a  spit-free drink any time soon.  If you treat your bartenders well, they will be very good to you in turn.

Bottom line, don’t be a dick.  Tipping is good Karma.  What goes around, comes around.  And if you wan’t that bartender to come around again, you sure as hell better tip them well.

Q. Is it okay, as a woman, to accept a drink from a guy even when you have no intention of even talking to him?

Sure, if you want to be a total bitch. If, however, you want to be a decent member of this thing we like to call “society,” you don’t go running around lying to people. That’s what accepting that drink is – you know damn well why he’s buying it for you. And, by the way, if you sleep with a guy just because he buys you a drink, you are a hooker. A $5 hooker at that.

I don’t buy women drinks, ever. Because I don’t buy women. The ultimate turn-on is a woman being attracted to me because I’m me. Not because I happened to have an extra $5 in my pocket.

Oh, and if you do accept a drink from a guy, regardless of if you want to talk to him, you’re not allowed to ever talk about equal rights again. The price of all those drinks you expect add up - that’s why guys get paid an extra $1 an hour.


Sweet classy Moses. Shut the hell up. Free booze is free booze no matter who it comes from. The run-of-the-mill, so-called “experts” out there will tell you that it is uncouth, albeit dangerous, to accept drinks from strangers at a bar out of fear that you will be drugged and raped, or that these people will get the wrong impression that you will just drop trou and grab your ankles at the sight of a well-garnished cocktail. What they say are merely precautions that should be common sense to just about anyone.

Random people don’t walk up to other random people and start handing out cups of Starbucks in the streets. Furthermore, if someone did suddenly do that, do you think you would actually drink it? Hell no. It’s no different in a bar.

If a guy offers to buy you a drink, either simply tell him, “No, thanks.” and walk away, or have him (or yourself) actually order the drink on the spot. By no means should you trust a drink that has been handed to you, or sent over to you, without knowing for sure that it came straight from the bartender first.

Typically, if you are out at a bar, chances are you are not there alone. Your companions would notice immediately if you started acting bizarrely or disappeared into a bathroom for an hour after having a drink with the mysterious guy at the end of the bar.

It’s all a matter of using your best judgment. You can graciously accept the cocktail, create a little bit of small talk just for the sake of being polite, thank the gentleman who bought if for you, and walk away. Or, you could do what I do and say, “Thanks for the drink, but I’m still not sleeping with you,” shotgun your cocktail right in front of him, slam the glass on the bar, and light a fart on fire. That usually gets my point across pretty effectively.