Originally printed June/July '09
Visit their websites by clicking on the "he said" or "she said" hands above their answers.
“What do you do when the love of your life finally says everything you’ve wanted him to say for the past 3 years and when he finally does say it, you’re not ready?”
This question clearly comes from a woman. Because no offense, this is a decidedly female behavior. Women constantly say they want smart and funny men that treat them well, only to date dumb, boring assholes. Almost every woman reading this has a platonic friend that is everything they SAY they want in a guy. But has he seen you naked? Of course not. Because what women say they want and what women actually want are often two conflicting things.
My solution, unfortunately, is not an easy one. But it is simple. Be honest with what you want. Not honest with him - honest with yourself. Because what the storybooks and your friends and your grandmother wants for you are not always what you want for yourself. And if it turns out you do want a dumb, boring asshole that treats you poorly, the good news is you have plenty to choose from.
Throw back a shot of Jager? Get on Prozac? Change your status on Facebook? If you can’t build a time machine, then I guess you’re screwed. But isn’t the real question why aren’t you ready anymore? And why have you been waiting around three years? You have more patience than a single guy trying to get a drink at a busy bar. Yes timing is everything and if he truly missed his window, face the musak – it’s over. This prince is not your love of your life anymore. Pack up your journals, get a fresh bikini wax and move on. You can take solace in knowing that the fact he missed his chance with you will haunt him forever. He will live in a world of just missing the train for a long time. That knowledge severed with a shot of chilled vodka is a delicious cocktail. Of course I imagine “everything you’ve wanted him to say” has to do something with him finally uttering “I love you” or decreeing some sort of extended commitment – but if I misinterpreted this and it has something to do with a three-some or anal sex - just have a few more stiff drinks and a muscle relaxant. Then you’ll be ready.
“I’m currently trying my luck at casual dating. It’s something that I’ve never done before and there are really no “set” rules as there are to exclusive dating. So, if you had to, what would you say are the expected rules and boundaries to casual dating? (and on a lighter note, if you are casual dating and often feel as if you’re cheating, what causes that?)”
Every person has their own rules, so this is a tough one. But the basic answer is if she’s not your girlfriend, then don’t expect her to act like your girlfriend. As for the cheating question, you are a serial monogamist. That’s okay, we’re out there - I’m one, too (though it seems, to a lesser degree than you). You prefer a relationship - and thus have trouble handling dating multiple women. That’s not a terrible thing - it means it will be easier for you to settle down when the time comes. Unless some bitch breaks your heart first. Just saying.
Boundaries? Rules? Luck? Yeah, those aren’t words I would associate with casual dating. The only “rule” I can offer is really more of an organization tip: try to limit your hooks ups to once a day as the clean up in between gets too exhausting. Also burn your sheets every second week or so. There are some things bleach alone just cannot cure.
Casual dating is a bit of a lie. It really translates to seeing a bunch of people ultimately in search of “the one” but not fully admitting that’s what you’re doing. Or people who just want to have sex. But that’s just 99% of the people.
There are absolutely no standards or guidelines to refer to. In my experience there were dates where after having a great time I would still home alone, or others when after a boring time, but a very nice dinner, I would feel the pressure to reciprocate with at least a hand job. Then the next day I would go “missing” - and a word to the wise: if you need to “go missing”, don’t update your Facebook status during that time. Dead giveaway. My point is neither of these scenarios involved me acting how I think people should in act in life. But in casual dating, it’s all totally fair game.
If casual dating feels like cheating to you, you might not like casual dating. That’s really the best part about it! If you’re doing it right it should feel like you’re getting away with
sweet, sweet murder. Lonely murder, temporary happiness murder, no-date-for-your-friend’s-wedding murder, but sweet murder nonetheless.
“I’ve been going to the same massage therapist for over a year now and I want to ask her out but clearly it is way to awkward to do that during a session. Any advice? Or should I not do it at all? I’d hate to lose her as a massage therapist if things didn’t work out.”
Sorry buddy, but you’ve got to make a choice — she can’t be your girlfriend and massage therapist. So if you take it to that level, then you’re risking being out a massage therapist. And its not that her possible rejection would prevent her from massaging you in the future - it would prevent you from enjoying it. I don’t like thinking of girls that rejected me, let alone paying them for their company. I can’t imagine anyone else would either. I suggest you be an adult and just ask her out. I know, I know, that’s crazy talk. You know, you’d probably just be better off pining for her and masking your hard-on on a weekly basis.
They do say “the issues are in your tissues,” so it’s no wonder you are falling for the woman who works these out for you. I’ve done the same thing — but with my bartender. He provided me with things that soothed and released.
But back to you. Yes, you should totally ask her out, but NOT during a session! Don’t ever tell anyone anything that might startle them when they have your neck in their hands. Instead, try slipping note in with your tip (and your tip should be good) with your number and some cute way of asking if she’d like to go out. But a session or two before that ask for a referral to another massage therapist. Regardless of her answer, things will never be the same on that padded table again. Maybe in the beginning you’ll get a few happy endings, but you’re still going to need someone else to unemotionally pound your other muscles. Let’s seriously hope you’re really into her looks and/or personality and/or conversation skills - not just her magic hands because — spoiler alert — you may think it’d be a dream come true to date a masseuse, but soon enough you’ll never get a massage from her again. You’ll meet her after work and tell her that you’re feeling some stiffness between your legs and instead of hearing the sound of lotion being squeezed from a bottle, you’ll get a, “But honey – that’s what I do all day. Can you give me a rub? And do the dishes?”
